Sunday, February 27, 2011

Debra Joy February 27, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Day 27 of my journey… and an interesting turn of events. And the purpose of any journey is to travel and discover, for better or worse and to become wiser for it.

Today,my dear friend (and companion to Africa,) spoke his truth. And.. in turn I had to ask ” What is my truth… as best I know it … for now?” Even in this last question, “What is my truth?” had me imagining eating a giant bag of flavored Doritos that I saw in the Sunday ad section!

The anxiety of ” seeking my truth,” let alone, stating it… grips my body and wants to “stuff’ my emotions.”

And, since I am having a colonoscopy tomorrow, liquids are my only choice today.
No chips, no grease, no cookies, NO CRUNCH!!! What do I do with the anxiety? what do I do with the anger? What do I do with the fear? What do I do with the disappointment? What do I do with pivotal decision making?

Well, the good news is….thru my 7 month dark time, I took the risk to be present… and feel my feelings. I took the risk, to’come apart’ for awhile. Recently, I took the risk to stand/speak of my own eating /health truth… and make peace with “their way(eating habits) may work for them…but not for me…now now.”

Currently in Uganda, it is a ‘hotbed’ of political and religious fanatics, whose message is” If you are gay.. you should be dead.” They are not even at the point of ‘ Hate the sin, love the sinner.” This is like the Holocaust to me. And, excuse my pun… but all of this may be fueled by more recent discoveries of a gadzillion barrells of oil , just found under their country.

I was one of the first home nurses in Champaign County, that did not refuse going to see AIDS patients. I upset many other nurses, doctors( at that time) and co workers and friends by my seemingly careless attitude. On the contrary… I was so concerned about my patients that I removed as many emotional, physical, spiritual and ( what I deemed unnecessary) medical barriers to give them some quality of life in the face of others’ fears and fallacies.

I think about my journey of eating and how often I must have eaten according to others ideas of what is good for me… and’ for everybody.” I think how I ate to please people. They are long gone from this world… and I still have those inclinations. I was taught by example and word.

Each of us, whether we have labeled this a 100 Day Journey or not, are on a path to seek balance and truth in our lives. Some people go out of balance with food, drink, work or money… still seeking that internal and eternal balance of acceptance of ourselves and others.

I tried lying to myself that I am only going there to help and work in HIV/AIDS clinics and not to be politically involved. I would teach humor and lead laughter. I find nothing humorous about turning away people from healthcare based on their race,gender, religious or political beliefs. I didnt turn anyone away from their due health care in the 80′s, and early 90′s…and I will not do it now.

So, in good conscience I cannot go to my originally planned destination of Uganda.
After processing this morning all my information, I said,” This God or something better. ” I have faith, that standing in my truth and changing direction is healthier than ( tho not without disappointment) standing in another’s darkness and ignorance.

My friend and I are working on another destination to serve HIV/AIDS patients and hopefully still in Africa.

I am still on my 100 day of health and wholeness… and this is part of the process.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

My daughter and I had some serious financial discussions yesterday. I've been in her shoes before...many times.

If my "reactionary meltdown" wasnt about money( which it has), it was about relationships. My melt-downs( or eruptions) were about husbands( both ex and present), family members or... as in the past,romantic interests. I've had health scares ( think: cancer, stroke and the 2 things growing in my brain) and volcanic eruptions about employment. Religious affiliations (not spiritual) have helped to grind my teeth at nite.

I confess: I have thrown my scale out a second story window( with the window open),eaten my weight in potato chips and spent my weight in frivolous gifts. I have drunk my weight in alcohol ounces( waaaaaay in the past)and expressed my body weight in anger and rage.

Corollary#539: When my weight went up, my self esteem went down. Simple Geometry.

Corollary #3: When eruptions, explosions,falling in a holes,hitting bottom, overeating and feeling the weight gain pain, blackout drinking, arguments with 'whomever', over extended hospitalizations," I-Hate-My- Job" noises, and " I -have-no- money- again", makes way for opportunity to change.

Again: Simple Geometry: Crisis= Opportunity

My daughter thanked me for acknowledging her growth.... My daughter acknowledged her part( i.e. did not defend or deflect her actions. And, on the spot... took immediate action. She did not put it off for another day, week or month.

She is my hero for today.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Day 14 on my 100 day journey… and I confess I do not like Valentines day…

Valentines Day was always( even as a young child) a major source of anxiety. I loved decorating the boxes in preparation to receive a valentine…but my angst about giving and receiving, disappointing others and being disappointed was horrendous. I was scared that I didnt give the “right’ homemade or store bought valentine to my favorite friend and like wise, would I get one from my secret crush? And, after eating a lot of those heart shaped sugar cookies( think back to grades 1-3) with the pink , red and white frosting.. . to stuff my nervousness …I was the one who threw up in class. Pitiful, wasnt it!?

One year, ( ok, I admit , when I was in my 40′s) I spent $86.52 on valentines… what was I thinking???? And the angst was still present and I was eating chocolates to ” stuff” my nervousness.

Finally when I got to my 50′s… I admitted to myself and others..I dont like Valentines Day. Dagnabbit.. and my last name is HART!
BLESSING # 253: My best friend /neighbor doesnt like it either! We celebrate not celebrating! And Blessing# 254: Both our husbands understand.

And Heart /Hart Healthy activity the past 2 days: I cleaned out ALL outdated/unused/scrappy jars, bottles and frozen foods from my refrigerator and freezer. My refrigerator looks slimmer and feels better. Like me.

May your day be HART/HEART healthy!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

This week I took a courageous step on my 100 day health and wholeness journey.

I told the truth. Not just any truth, but one that involved me being vulnerable, gentle and protective of my own needs.

The truth: As much as I wanted to be( travel) with my husband, kids and grandbaby, I feared that it would take me off course of my diet. Their eating habits( at this point) are different than mine. And, I suppose as a mother, woman and person who says often" oh dont worry about me", I had more than an inkling that I would succumb to veering off course.

First, I told my husband. He knew something was up and serious when I turned the volume down on the TV. Then I told the truth to my step daughter. Both were supportive and understanding. I am so used to " serving others" that I feared that I would upset the proverbial "apple cart" by doing something different. I humorously reflect," Thank God I am not the center of their universe." Then I realize,' Who ever said you were????" ( sometimes the truth hurts , dont it Deb????)

I have often said to others , as well as myself," When needing to make a difficult choice between 2 things... always go with the one that gives you more peace of mind. Even if it is scary." I did and I am at peace. Another step on my journey of health and wholeness.

Saturday, February 05, 2011

Day 5...95 days more to discover, uncover and explore health and wholeness.

Report for you bottom-up dieters...
I got on the scale today and I weighed 180.8. This is a 2.4lb loss in the last 4 days...A loss of 2.4 lbs. Calorie range from 1268-1730..

Report for the top-down crowd...
I have been very mindful of portion,plating and peace.

I have been letting myself" feel" supported. And asking myself, what does " support' mean? What are the different kinds of support I get?

Yes, my wise cracking self says," A bra gives me support." I dont really pay much attention accept in the morning as I put it on or take off at nite. Occasionally itching in between.

Last nite, best friend X asked, ( about my upcoming trip to Africa and needing certain medical supplies) "What about your friends that are not on facebook.. Will you send us something via email?"

I suppose asking for support is all in the communication of intensity,poignancy and timing. I told best friend X, that her emotional support for me is more than enough. Letting me vent about issues as they come up is what I need most from her. Yet, I suspect, she would like to contribute in a physical way too. She would also like to tell others. It is an opportunity for people to" pay it forward" all the goodness that has come to their life.

Using my best diet analogy," I will being asking for support from a bottom -up' approach. Translation: Looking into ways people can sponsor" medical supplies." and money for transporting those medical supplies.

For those that are supporting me from the " top-down".. aka emotional, spiritual and intellectual... I am grateful for your love, presence and ideas.

I promise to have a " list" of sponsor ideas and costs very soon...

Thursday, February 03, 2011

I have been experimenting with my eating these last couple of " snow days."
Can I eat 1/2 as much as I had been? Will I be wanting more? Will I feel full? Will I go crazy from hunger? (Ok.. maybe crazy is an exageration...yet...)

Up to this point I had already started taking most of my meals on a smaller plate ( 1/2 the size of a dinner plate). Special treats I eat with a tiny spoon.( 1/2 the size of a teaspoon..its gold colored and 'makes me feel special.') About a year ago I wanted to cut my caffeine consumption and stated making my morning coffee 1/2 caf, 1/2 decaf. I even do this when i am cup caf, one cup decaf.Believe me, the waitresses are glad someone is drinking it and using up the pot. I cut my shoe collection in half, ( ok, I confess..). For the most part, when I buy a piece clothing, I look in my closet, take something out and donate it.

I go out to eat and go out for coffee 1/2 as much as I used to, to save money.

Eating these past few days has been an adventure. 1/2 of sprouted grain muffin, 1/2 cup yogurt, 1/2 tbl.spoon butter. 1/2 the amount of oil and ... yes even 1/2 as much popcorn.

I havent felt the urge to eat more and I felt comfortably full. YAY ME!

Perhaps all my 1/2 off practice has paid off... (and who doesnt like a sale????)

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

Day 2 of my inside out journey. A friend from my diet support group wrote me. Both of us agree: its the journey, not the outcome. Sure, I lost 20 lbs before... and then packed it back on...yet now I am more about the process than the goal. I have learned many tools since 1992 when I shed those lbs. I trust my knowledge and , I have learned its ok to lean on others when they offer. I can ask for help. I am not alone emotionally. I think that is the worst.. feeling discarded in friendship and love.

These snow days have been wonderful for me. I have spent the quiet time asking myself," Are you hungry?" " What do you REEEEEEEEEEEEAALLLLLLY want?" I have been satisfied with all my choices. I measured out 1 glass of red wine last nite. I took out the ole' George Foreman grill and had a small swordfish steak. I measure out real butter on my toast. Had a blueberry smoothie, yesterday and today...

When I travel( which I love) everyday I ask," How can it get any better than this?".. and it always does... So today( and just for today) I have stayed focus, enjoyed the ride, had a diet buddy email me and I have on my flowered spring socks on my feet... How can it get any better than this..???