Sunday, February 27, 2011

Debra Joy February 27, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Day 27 of my journey… and an interesting turn of events. And the purpose of any journey is to travel and discover, for better or worse and to become wiser for it.

Today,my dear friend (and companion to Africa,) spoke his truth. And.. in turn I had to ask ” What is my truth… as best I know it … for now?” Even in this last question, “What is my truth?” had me imagining eating a giant bag of flavored Doritos that I saw in the Sunday ad section!

The anxiety of ” seeking my truth,” let alone, stating it… grips my body and wants to “stuff’ my emotions.”

And, since I am having a colonoscopy tomorrow, liquids are my only choice today.
No chips, no grease, no cookies, NO CRUNCH!!! What do I do with the anxiety? what do I do with the anger? What do I do with the fear? What do I do with the disappointment? What do I do with pivotal decision making?

Well, the good news is….thru my 7 month dark time, I took the risk to be present… and feel my feelings. I took the risk, to’come apart’ for awhile. Recently, I took the risk to stand/speak of my own eating /health truth… and make peace with “their way(eating habits) may work for them…but not for me…now now.”

Currently in Uganda, it is a ‘hotbed’ of political and religious fanatics, whose message is” If you are gay.. you should be dead.” They are not even at the point of ‘ Hate the sin, love the sinner.” This is like the Holocaust to me. And, excuse my pun… but all of this may be fueled by more recent discoveries of a gadzillion barrells of oil , just found under their country.

I was one of the first home nurses in Champaign County, that did not refuse going to see AIDS patients. I upset many other nurses, doctors( at that time) and co workers and friends by my seemingly careless attitude. On the contrary… I was so concerned about my patients that I removed as many emotional, physical, spiritual and ( what I deemed unnecessary) medical barriers to give them some quality of life in the face of others’ fears and fallacies.

I think about my journey of eating and how often I must have eaten according to others ideas of what is good for me… and’ for everybody.” I think how I ate to please people. They are long gone from this world… and I still have those inclinations. I was taught by example and word.

Each of us, whether we have labeled this a 100 Day Journey or not, are on a path to seek balance and truth in our lives. Some people go out of balance with food, drink, work or money… still seeking that internal and eternal balance of acceptance of ourselves and others.

I tried lying to myself that I am only going there to help and work in HIV/AIDS clinics and not to be politically involved. I would teach humor and lead laughter. I find nothing humorous about turning away people from healthcare based on their race,gender, religious or political beliefs. I didnt turn anyone away from their due health care in the 80′s, and early 90′s…and I will not do it now.

So, in good conscience I cannot go to my originally planned destination of Uganda.
After processing this morning all my information, I said,” This God or something better. ” I have faith, that standing in my truth and changing direction is healthier than ( tho not without disappointment) standing in another’s darkness and ignorance.

My friend and I are working on another destination to serve HIV/AIDS patients and hopefully still in Africa.

I am still on my 100 day of health and wholeness… and this is part of the process.

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